How to Identify a Toxic Relationship:Should I Stay or Should I Go?

• “I love her, but I dread spending time with her…”
• “But, we’ve been friends FOREVER…”
• “I never feel like she truly listens to me, but she never fails to call me at 3am after another bad break up.”
• “He only calls me when he needs money.”
• “I dread meetings with him. He manages to make me feel so inadequate…”

I get at least one email with a similar example per month, from someone who is unsure if they’re in a toxic relationship, and what to do about it.

The basic question they’re asking is: Should I Stay? or Should I Go? And they’re looking for permission to do what their heart is already whispering: This person isn’t good for you. Get out now!

But the guilt sets in. Followed by the rational excuses to stay:

• You’re a nice person.
• You don’t want to hurt their feelings.
• You don’t want to deal with the drama.
• You can’t leave your job right now.
• It’s better to have negative contact than NO contact…at least this way you know they’re okay.

And on and on go the reasons to put up with this hurtful, harmful treatment.

Because only YOU can truly know the answer, I won’t give you a concrete Yes or No answer on how to identify and deal with a toxic relationship. I will give you 4 questions to help you assess if this is a toxic person for you (remember: toxic doesn’t mean they’re bad people…just bad for you, right now) and how invested you are in trying to save it.

Consider: Physical and Emotional reaction when with Person X. List 5 normal reactions for each. Then ask:

1. What am I getting out of this relationship? (Why am I still allowing this relationship, if I have already identified it as toxic.)

2. Do I truly care about the survival of this relationship, or has it just been something I’ve unconsciously continued with?

3. Do I cherish this person and everything they offer for me?

4. Am I willing to possibly do all the work in this relationship to make it work? Do I take full responsibility for my part and still (honestly) wish to continue?

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