Frienemies, do you have one?

According to the first definition on http://urbandictionary.com: A “toxic” person who poses as a friend but subconsciously or consciously wishes you harm.

Couldn’t have written it better myself.

A “frienemy” (friend- enemy) is a type of toxic person. And you have no room for these people in your authentic life. So this post will reveal all of the classic signs of a frienemy, so that you’re aware if you have one! I’ll cover the basics of what to do if you have a Frienemy on this weeks radio show, and I’m going into details in the Master LIFE CLEANSE starting in March.

Sign #1: You dread calling her if you have good news!
Congratulations are in order! You have a new job, just got engaged or are expecting a baby. You can’t wait to tell everyone…except one person. You dread calling her because she will find a way to “rain on your parade” (pardon the cliche) and make the happy occasion not so happy. Whether she starts in on why the timing isn’t great, or about how your life is always so great and the fact that you’re lucky while her life sucks, she leaves you feeling sorry for her. You also end up resenting her for not being happy for you.

Sign #2: After spending time with her you feel worse.
It’s time for the monthly get together with your best frienemy. You’re feeling optimistic, good things are happening for you and you can’t wait to hear all about her new boyfriend! It’s been a month and lots can happen! You’re really excited to see her. Nothing like a wonderful afternoon spent talking with a good friend! You meet her at the coffee shop, order a latte and sit in the comfy chairs to start catching up. After an hour your smile is gone, along with your energy and your bouncy outlook on life. It’s one thing to support someone in a time of need, another thing to always be supporting one person because she’s ALWAYS in need. Her boyfriend broke up with her, she hates her job and she got a parking ticket. When you finally get around to talking about you, you don’t even feel like sharing anything with her. By the end of the visit you slink back to your car feeling like you need to take a long nap…so much for good vibes today.

Sign #3: You’ve been friends for a really long time and now you can’t remember why.
I had a client send me an email. She was desperate because she had a big event coming up and one person was ruining it for her. This was a momentous occasion! An engagement only happens once (hopefully). The frienemy was so excited that she didn’t even mind that she wasn’t going to be the maid-of-honor! Except that she decided to take over the planning of the bridal shower and the girls-night-out party. The resentment and jealousy became obvious when my client learned that the “friend” had been spinning tales, getting in between people, and bad mouthing almost everyone. WOW! What to do?

“We’ve been friends forever! I can’t imagine my bridal shower without her.”

“How fun is it going to be with everyone fighting, or no one speaking?” I asked her. “Sounds like you have a frienemy…”

My client decided that this time of her life, the engagement and everything leading up to the honeymoon, was precious and that this friend needed to be dealt with. Looking back she said that things have felt off for a long time, she just didn’t want to admit it.

If you have a friend whose been in your life for a long time but you just don’t have a connection anymore, don’t feel bad. People grow and change, relationships should too.

Sign #4: You become someone you don’t like when you’re with her (complaining, whining, being negative or judgmental).
You’re in a great mood. Can’t wait to talk to your office friend Jenny about the latest gossip going around the office. You’re feeling really good, it’s been a good day. You got everything you wanted accomplished and you deserve a good 15 minute coffee break. Sitting down with her, it turns into a 20 minute complain-fest. By the end of it, you hate your job, the company and anyone that dares to look at you. What’s changed? Your energy patterns have, and you became the negative person that you usually try to avoid!

Those are just a few of the signs that you have a potential Frienemy. It’s not necessarily her fault, she might not be aware of it. And some environments bring out the worst in otherwise great people. Once you’re aware of the effect of these friends, it’s important to guard yourself.

I go into more detail on the types of toxic people and give you some tips for how to deal with them on Authentic Self Expressions this week (4:30 pm CST on Wednesday, February 10, 2010).  If you need more help for the toxic relationships in your life, join us for the Master LIFE CLEANSE where we talk in great detail about Toxic People and how to protect yourself from them (and what to do if YOU ARE the toxic person in the relationship!). Learn more about that at http://themasterlifecleanse.com

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